Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers