Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.