Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

Duck typos.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

Tower: Where are you, pilot?

Pilot: I’m over Cologne.

Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?