Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary