Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure