Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

pep talk

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

I’m never leaving this app.

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!