Goodnight 🐶
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“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I beg you to euthanise me
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
TODAY
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.