Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
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idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
When someone says you are so lazy
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.