Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
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peak technology
Worst Native American name ever.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.