google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
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I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
dream blunt rotation
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.