google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
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Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
In banana years, I am bread.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.