@TweetPotato314

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

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@mattsurely

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

@TwinSurvivalist

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

@Darlainky

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

@Reverend_Scott

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

@

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@roxyisrad

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

@nonchalantnacho

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

@lyric_intent

It doesn’t matter how up-to-date your donor card is, the hospital gets really judgey when you drop off a liver unannounced.

@junejuly12

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about