Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
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My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
It doesn’t matter how up-to-date your donor card is, the hospital gets really judgey when you drop off a liver unannounced.
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about