@TweetPotato314

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

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@Megatronic13

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

@fred_dog

I think my neighbor’s dog is in heat. She’s been crying the last 2 nights. I may need to take one for the team if I want to get some sleep.

@david8hughes

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

@Co_Mill

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

@SuperRandomish

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

@Contwixt

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

@jonnysun

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

@stockejock

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

@peetiesays

Diamond engagement rings are so last year. Ask for her hand in marriage by presenting her with a full tank of gas.

@karlainvt

Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver…