@TweetPotato314

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

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@ArfMeasures

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

@ItsAndyRyan

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

@MsCassieDaniels

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

@byrdie_num_num

Wife and I made a deal. She gets to keep hair on her legs, and I get to keep my opinions to myself. Baby steps.

@McGrumpenstein

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

@_davidlucas_

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

@TheHyyyype

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

@BoomBoomBetty

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

@FU_TangClan

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁