[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
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I think my neighbor’s dog is in heat. She’s been crying the last 2 nights. I may need to take one for the team if I want to get some sleep.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Diamond engagement rings are so last year. Ask for her hand in marriage by presenting her with a full tank of gas.
Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver…