Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
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Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
The Friday File.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I put the p in pants.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”