Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
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Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Wife and I made a deal. She gets to keep hair on her legs, and I get to keep my opinions to myself. Baby steps.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁