Google assistant rules
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*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
every man in east london
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”