Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
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just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Who.
Did.
This?
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
asked my bf how work was today
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.