Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
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Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon