Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

😬

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that