Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

LOL!

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry