Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes