Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

#MeanwhileinCanada

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?