“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
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When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Breakfast for Stoners:
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.