Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
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So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑