Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
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Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.