Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
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The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?