Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
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There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”