google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
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*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.