Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her