Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away