Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
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INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
Found the job I’m suited for
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.