Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

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when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”


When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.


Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car


“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it


My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night


The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.


The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)


Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…


Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.