Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
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Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again