Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
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Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
i choose….tongue
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?