Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
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The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA