Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.