Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
You Might Also Like
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
so weird how every mom was born today
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
You don’t see great advertising like this anymore
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car