google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I love art.
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My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
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PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Just so funny
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.