google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
