google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
oh you like nyc? name every rat
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it