google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
All right then, keep your secrets
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut