Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now