google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
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[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid