google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
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Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”