Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

Good morning!

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

as the prophecy foretold

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison