Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

mmm onion ringos

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.