Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
You Might Also Like
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I am a gravy boat captain
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.