Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
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quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay