Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
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[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.