Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
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*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.