Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
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coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
That’s a good costume, I hope.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
It do be feeling this way.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10