Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?