Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

😎

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.