google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
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Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.