Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
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The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!