Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
You Might Also Like
Matt Goss
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I’m giving up for Lent.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?