Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
You Might Also Like
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
San Francisco has too many rules
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room