Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
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Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
2022 be like
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
.. do you even science?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”