Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
You Might Also Like
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
tell em, edith-anne
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.