Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

The happy life.. 😊

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

I bet

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school

I’ve had poops that lasted longer than the tiktok ban

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.