Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?