Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
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Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
nyc:
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!