Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

There’s only one good girl here!

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.