Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
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I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
me and my fake scenarios
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location