Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

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When someone says “excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable”, how long are they usually gone? Two days seems like a long time.


You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.


“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”


Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]


“Do you remember that time we-“

Let me stop you right there, no.


[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing


If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.


Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)