@i_wasnt_looking

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

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@Sarcasticsapien

When someone says “excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable”, how long are they usually gone? Two days seems like a long time.

@jordan_stratton

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

@living_marble

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

@pleatedjeans

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

@DaddyJew

“Do you remember that time we-“

Let me stop you right there, no.

@chetprtr

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

@TheAlexNevil

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

@ThePocketJustin

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)