Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out