Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.

It’s science.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

omg the susans have started to replicate please send he

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*