google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
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I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*