Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.