Google reviews are always so mixed..
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[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Every house has this drawer
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Look at this
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”