Google reviews are always so mixed..
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Me as a therapist: omg same
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.