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Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
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Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth