Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

What personal space?

My dog

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

No Google it does not

Sell your car

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this