Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.