Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

new dr. seuss book dropping:

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

My love language is deader than Latin

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

HR said no more nunchucks.

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.