Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired