Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
You Might Also Like
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota