Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn