Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*