google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off
people do NOT like that joke
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Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
