Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

this is the news I live for

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no