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The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario