Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

Squirrels before girls.

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this