Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?