Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
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first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Wednesday
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
*pokes sex life with a stick
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.